Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 11:54 pm Post subject: Jokes
ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
10. "Excuse me, Caesar. Is that a knife in your back, or are you just happy
to see us?" - Brutus
9. "Uh...Caesar dear, that Oracle-of-Delphi guy is on the phone again.
Should I take a message?" - Portia
8. "You're right, honey. It IS a beautiful day for a picnic! But I think I
should stop by the office and pick up a few things first." - J. Caesar
7. "Hmmm...looks like a clear case of suicide. You're free to go, Senator
Kennedy." - Anonymous
6. "We'll NEVER get those stains out of his toga NOW. Way to go, LUNKHEAD!"
5. "Beware the Ides of...hmmm...30 days hath September, April, June, and...oh
the heck with it! Just stay home!" - Oracle-o-Delphi
4. "Wolf Blitzer here, and the scene is one of absolute MAYHEM, if you'll
pardon the pun." - Wolf Blitzer (CNN News Stud)
3. "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" - Chorus
"No-no-NO! The line is 'HAIL CAESAR! HAIL CAESAR!'. I swear you people
are dumber than a box of sticks!" - Cecil B. DeMille
2. "XCIX bottles of beer on the wall, XCIX bottles of beer! Take one down,
pass it around, XCIIX bottles of beer on the wall!" - The Triumvirate
1. "OUCH!" - J. Caesar
The IDES of MARCH: "Had Caesar stayed home, he'd be alive today!"
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition." (There are always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, slowly, and meaningfully said...
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
Entries in Cat's Diary
Day #183 of my captivity ... My captors continued to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my
powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with
them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her current placement in the metal container, her safety is assured.
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
> >
> >
> >
> >Scroll down! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >A little voice came out of the box:...........
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F****ng shoes on!
>
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, NBA 3.6, XBOX Live and NASCAR 4.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
---------
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Be aware that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8.
Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
+15°C / 59°F This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in
Finland) gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from
the face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.
-50°C / -58°F Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter
weather.
-60°C / -76°F Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.
-70°C / -94°F The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele (=damn), it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3
Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the
color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in
hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
> Subject: Fooling Myrtle
>
> He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Myrtle. He tiptoed
> quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but
> misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
> banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
> whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
> painful.
>
> Managing not to yell, he sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
> the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
> managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
> Band-Aid, as best he could on, each place he saw blood. He then hid the
> now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
>
> In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and
> Myrtle staring at him from across the room.
>
> She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
>
> He said, "Why you say to me such a mean thing?"
>
> "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, It could be the
> broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, It could be the drops of blood
> trailing through the house, It could be your bloodshot eyes, but
> mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."
Can't remember if this one has been posted before, but thought I'd risk it.
***
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."
Last week was my birthday, and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "happy birthday" and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday".
I thought, well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will rememder. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"Good morning boss, happy birthday!" I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "thanks Jane. That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said "you know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office do we?" I responded "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" she said "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
"OK" I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a hugh birthday cake.... followed by my wife, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday"
A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian.
Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 3:40 am Post subject: Mexican Jews
Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know señor, I'll ask the cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, señor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said "señor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Señor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews."
Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 3:43 am Post subject: A cat goes to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and
said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything
you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I
lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge
fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and
they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the
gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we would not have to
run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently
awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have
you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so
happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little
Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
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