So there was a woman who loved to shop ( big surprise!) and her husband was always getting on her case for buying so many random unneccesary things, which she did often. So the husband comes home one day and see's a mirror that takes up half the living room and covered in jewels and his face turns red and his blood starts to boil a bit and he yells for his wife. His wife comes into the room fully prepared for the verbal thrashing she is about to recieve. "Not again" " how much useless shit can one person buy" "this thing must have cost a thousands dollars and we already have 5 mirrors!". Then the wife said " no honey this is different, this is a magic mirror, watch" Then she wished for a corvette and lo and behold there was a fucking corvette in the driveway, then she wished for a new dishwasher and wouldn't you know it there was a new freaking dishwasher. Finally the man wanted his turn and he goes to the mirror and thinks long and hard about one thing that he has always wanted and he says " I WANT A DICK THAT TOUCHES THE FLOOR!" and his leg's fall off!!!!!!!!
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road.
One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic
protection system before the missile was launched".
Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 11:26 am Post subject: Staten Island Ferry
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night, he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket backand there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowers the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do ?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his a** up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act like one!
Last night I had the strangest dream. It was so real, so life-like and so vivid, I woke up in a cold sweat. Let me describe it to you briefly...
1. Hillary wins the Democratic Party nomination for President of the United States.
2. Naturally, she wants to choose as her running mate someone with a lot of knowledge and experience in government and foreign affairs, someone who is a seasoned campaigner who could bring a lot of strength to the ticket. Who better than Bill, her husband?!!!
3. Hill and Bill go on to win the election in November and the Democrats maintain control of the House and the Senate.
4. Hillary is sworn in as President on January 20, 2009. The next day, after all the inauguration parties are over, she calls a press conference to make an announcement: she is resigning as President!!! Bill, as the Vice President, immediately becomes President!!! This is all perfectly legal under the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, for it states that "no person may be elected as president more than twice". Bill is not being elected for a third term but is merely serving out the remainder of Hillary's term --- all 4 years of it.
5. But wait! There's more! The following day Bill calls a press conference to make an announcement. He has chosen someone to fill the now-vacant office of Vice President. Guess who he picks? Why, Hillary, of course!!!
Please forward this e-mail to all of your Republican friends and to as many others as you wish to cause sleepless nights...
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll
inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some
time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I never slept with a man until I married your father," declared the stern mother to her wild young daughter. "Will you be able to say the same thing to your
daughter?"
"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped to save him. She swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. the good news is that you are being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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