Joined: May 18, 2004 Posts: 1404 Location: Vienna 1100
Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 6:46 pm Post subject:
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.
So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery.
Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would
take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a
rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but
was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The
next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, "These girl's nights out have got
to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home
with no panties!"
"That's nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a
card stuck between her ass cheeks that said: "From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
/*/_Subject:_/*///_ _//**/_Fw: For Golfers_/**//__//
At dawn the telephone rings:
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The Norwegian Blue?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did it die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat from the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire"
"Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed by fire?
"Yes Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with one of your golf clubs."
SILENCE.....
"Ernesto, if you broke one of my golf clubs, you're in deep sh*t!"
Joined: May 18, 2004 Posts: 1404 Location: Vienna 1100
Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:11 pm Post subject:
The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"
The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight.
When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks,she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"
Joined: May 18, 2004 Posts: 1404 Location: Vienna 1100
Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:12 pm Post subject:
Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Clinically Depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!
Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 11:06 am Post subject: Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the annual charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)
After they get the fax ...
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "So, what do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Miss Beatrice,the church organist,was in her eighties and had never been Married.She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quiant sitting room .She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was filled with water,and in the water floated,of all things,a condom!When she returned with tea and Scones-they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist."Miss Beatrice/he said/,I wonder if you would tell me about this?"pointing to the bowl!
"Oh yes,/she replied/isn't it wonderful?I was walking trough the park a few months ago,and I found this little package on the ground.The directions said to place it on the organ,keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of desease.Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. But no one wanted to room with Dave because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the Whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Dave and comes to breakfast the
next Morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Dave snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all
blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Dave shakes the roof. I watched him all
night."
The third night was Bob's turn.
Bob was a big burly bus driver; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed.
"Good morning." They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Dave into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said," He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke husband's ribs, said," That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from 'critical' to 'stable' and he should eventually make a full recovery.
From a book called Disorder in the American Courts, things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was having sex!
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.
Joined: May 18, 2004 Posts: 1404 Location: Vienna 1100
Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:13 pm Post subject:
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:34 pm Post subject: You Can't Outdo A Texan...
You Can't Outdo A Texan
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... See?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT???
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Rocco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament :
"Dear Rocco,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa"
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Rocco"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.
"Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances."
So there was a woman who loved to shop ( big surprise!) and her husband was always getting on her case for buying so many random unneccesary things, which she did often. So the husband comes home one day and see's a mirror that takes up half the living room and covered in jewels and his face turns red and his blood starts to boil a bit and he yells for his wife. His wife comes into the room fully prepared for the verbal thrashing she is about to recieve. "Not again" " how much useless shit can one person buy" "this thing must have cost a thousands dollars and we already have 5 mirrors!". Then the wife said " no honey this is different, this is a magic mirror, watch" Then she wished for a corvette and lo and behold there was a fucking corvette in the driveway, then she wished for a new dishwasher and wouldn't you know it there was a new freaking dishwasher. Finally the man wanted his turn and he goes to the mirror and thinks long and hard about one thing that he has always wanted and he says " I WANT A DICK THAT TOUCHES THE FLOOR!" and his leg's fall off!!!!!!!!
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road.
One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic
protection system before the missile was launched".
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