A blond suspects her husband is cheating on her and hires a P.I. to determine whether her suspicions are true or not. Sure enough, a few day later the P.I. gives her bad news in the affirmative and gives her all the details including his lover's address.
Burning with anger and humiliation, the blond goes out and buys a handgun and goes to the address of her husband's lover. She sneaks in through a window and crashes into the bedroom, catching her husband and his lover engaged in wild, passionate lovemaking. Incensed, she raises the gun to her head and says, "I'm sorry it had to come to this Roger, but you leave me no choice." Her husbands shouts, "No, please, darling! You know I love you deeply. My relation with this woman is purely physical Please don't shoot!!"
"Shut up, liar", screams the blond, "! AM going to shoot and YOU'RE NEXT!"
A husband and wife, married for more than 30 years, are on a tourist excursion in the Saudi Arabian desert when the happen upon an ancient and battered oil lamp. They pull the top off the lamp and out pops a genie who promises to grant each of them three wishes. The husband, who has always felt the need to one-up his wife, immediately says, "I want whatever my wife wishes for, only ten times more." "As you wish", states the genie. "What are your wishes?" he asks of the wife. "OK, let's see...first I want 100 million dollars" "Yes!", thinks the husband, "I'm a billionaire now!" "Second," continues the wife, "I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world and have dozens of handsome lovers." "Yeah baby!", her husband crows, "That means I'll be ten times more handsome and have hundreds of beautiful lovers... go on, go on!" She smiles sweetly into her husbands eyes as she tells the genie, "Lastly, I want to have...a mild heart attack."
Joined: Apr 30, 2010 Posts: 32 Location: Right here
Posted: Sat May 01, 2010 1:20 am Post subject:
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his ass.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
Joined: Apr 30, 2010 Posts: 32 Location: Right here
Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 12:34 pm Post subject:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
Joined: Apr 30, 2010 Posts: 32 Location: Right here
Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 4:39 pm Post subject:
Not really a joke; just something punny.
There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Joined: Apr 30, 2010 Posts: 32 Location: Right here
Posted: Thu May 06, 2010 7:34 pm Post subject:
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
Joined: Apr 30, 2010 Posts: 32 Location: Right here
Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 5:16 pm Post subject:
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered the grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken with fear, the woman stared at the seer's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
Joined: Apr 30, 2010 Posts: 32 Location: Right here
Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 5:20 pm Post subject:
A long-married husband & wife were watching tv when a cooking show came on. The wife expressed her delight, and her husband began to rant.
"For years you've been watching these cooking shows! You buy & watch cooking videos! You read cooking blogs! You've invested hours and hours in watching cooking shows! And after all these years, you still can't cook!''
The wife looked at her husband, sat back and crossed her arms, and replied, "And all these years you've watched those porn movies...."
Joined: Apr 30, 2010 Posts: 32 Location: Right here
Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 5:50 pm Post subject:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
Joined: Apr 30, 2010 Posts: 32 Location: Right here
Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 5:57 pm Post subject:
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed.'"
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.
"'You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably for the best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
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